Twilight Zone

Twilight Zone

After my head injury, I stayed confined to a small space, Avoiding a world that was confusing and hard to face. Writing poems and prose gave me a new purpose again Now I am drowning without a life raft to help pull me in. I had a loving husband that sheltered and protected me, But alcohol consumed him and he made the decision to flee. I was thrown into a world that feels like the twilight zone, If I need help there is no one who cares enough to answer the phone. I have had to learn to pay bills, even though digits no longer make sense, Just driving myself to the doctor is an overwhelming ordeal that keeps me tense. There are echoes in my mind of all the doctors said I could no longer do, I have children and responsibilities so I desperately miss all that I once knew. I worry about our future, and if I will be able to keep a roof over our head, I no longer have the ability to use my education and occupation to keep us fed. Everyday is a learning experience, and I make so very many mistakes, But I know somehow, I will have to learn what to do, for all of our sakes. We are living a risky life right now; the paramedics have to come very often, Now I must figure out an intelligent plan that will protect me from a coffin. My brave children try so hard, but the constant trauma makes it hard for them to cope, It is all up to me now, and somehow I must re-learn enough that they have some hope. There is no time for self-pity or shedding tears over things I can no longer change, I must spend my energy on a survival plan, that I am not sure even how to arrange. I have faced that I am now totally alone, scared of every decision, but I must go on, the only real support system I had was my husband and now he is gone. This head injury was tough enough before, but the abandonment has overwhelmed me. Sometimes I am amazed at how devastated I am by paying such a tremendous fee. The fee has unfortunately seemed to get higher no matter how hard I have tried, Inefficiency, still causes me pain, but I try to forgive myself for the tears I have cried. I believe in footprints, and know that God is holding me in the palm of his hand, He is the only one that knows when I have had to handle far more than I could stand. Hope is the only gift I can still give myself, believing that somehow I can stand alone. Insecurity, fear, and heartache are not emotions that I feel like I exclusively own. All that I have lost has also been lost to many others, who well understand my pain. As survivor's we must stand together during the hardships so we can stay sane. Warsawa 4-22-98